


Not Scared

by littlemissmegsy



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, I couldn't stop myself, I guess???, Killua's in love with Gon, M/M, Unrequited Love, also came up with this entire thing at 2am, gon doesn't feel the same, i could've killed killua if i wanted to, whilst on a mad idea vomit sesh, you're welcome for not doing that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 23:31:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17817620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemissmegsy/pseuds/littlemissmegsy
Summary: Hanahaki Disease? Killua had heard of it once; he’d briefly seen it before when he was younger. He remembered one of the butlers holding wet petals in their hands and then they just disappeared, probably died.He didn’t know this could kill someone. He didn’t even know he loved someone that way. Who could he possibly have grown feelings for? Surely it couldn’t be…“Gon…”





	1. Not Scared of Petals

**Author's Note:**

> imagine me making something in a really short amount of time that really should have been made over a longer period of time and then throwing it at you with half the effort i should use
> 
> that's me publishing this

Killua’s throat was tickly.

That kind of weird feeling you get in the back of your throat just before you suddenly cough (and then it feels like a massacre in there because you coughed too hard for too long). That was the kind of feeling Killua had.

It made it difficult to concentrate on his game and consequently made him lose.

“I won!” Go yelled, throwing his hands up in the air and dropping his controller on the bed. “I finally beat you!” He laughed, looking over at his friend.

“Whatever, I was distracted,” Killua shrugged, lightly coughing a few times in an attempt to get rid of the feeling. His throat still tickled.

“Huh?” Gon raised an eyebrow.

“I got this weird tickling feeling in my throat and it won’t go away,” Killua frowned, coughing some more a little harder this time.

“Want me to go get some water?” Gon stood up, not waiting for an answer before he left his bedroom and made a beeline for the kitchen.

Killua coughed again, harsher this time, and he placed his hand over his mouth. He could feel himself gag a little and then something landed in the palm of his hand.

“Ah jeez,” He sighed, assuming he was simply sick but when he looked down at his hand, he saw two small petals, both white, a little damp but completely unharmed. Did he cough those up? Was that even possible?

“Probably nothing…” He whispered to himself unsurely, standing up to throw the petals out of the open window. At least the tickly throat feeling was gone.

“I got water!” Gon exclaimed as he re-entered the room, holding two glasses.

“Ah, thanks.” Killua took one and chugged the entire thing down, emptying the glass in a couple of seconds. “The feeling’s gone now,” He explained, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. “It was probably nothing.” He sat himself back down on the bed and picked up his controller again. “Now, I’m gonna beat you at this game since last time was unfair.”

“What?!” Gon gasped, launching himself onto the bed and grabbing his controller. “No way, I won fair and square!”

Killua laughed, completely forgetting about the petals as he started a new game with Gon.


	2. Not Scared of Blood

The next time Killua coughed up petals was only the next night, but this time he noticed a couple of drops of blood came with them.

He was alone this time, in the spare room and he was the only one awake. He hoped his coughing didn’t wake anyone.

He stared down at his hand, illuminated only by the dim lamp on the night stand next to him, a look of bewilderment plastered on his face. Every time he coughed, more petals came from his lips and more blood followed.

He could feel something sitting in the back of his throat, so against his better judgement, Killua decided to reach it and pull it out. Three petals, all attached together, came out. Killua could feel his chest tightening and he threw himself out of bed to violently throw every petal out of the window before going to wash the blood off his hands.

When he got back to bed, he grabbed the laptop from under it and pulled up the Internet to start looking for answers. The results made him want to cry, scream, smash someone’s head into a wall, _anything_ to make him feel better.

_coughing up flowers? – 2253 results_

_Hanahaki Disease: A disease in which the patient’s lungs bloom flowers after the grow an unrequited love. The petals, and eventually entire flowers, are coughed up by the patient until either their love is returned or the flowers and the feelings that caused them are surgically removed. If neither of these options happen, the flowers will leave no room inside the lungs for air and the patient will suffocate._

Hanahaki Disease? Killua had heard of it once; he’d briefly seen it before when he was younger. He remembered one of the butlers holding wet petals in their hands and then they just disappeared, probably died.

He didn’t know this could _kill_ someone. He didn’t even know he loved someone that way. Who could he possibly have grown feelings for? Surely it couldn’t be…

“ _Gon…_ ” Killua whispered before slapping his own hand over his mouth to muffle a sob.

Killua didn’t know what was worse; falling in love with his best friend or knowing that he wasn’t loved back. Either way, this disease was going to become very serious very fast and there was a high chance that Gon would find out about it.

Killua had to get rid of the flowers. He needed to have that surgery.

_The flowers and the feelings that caused them are surgically removed._

_And the feelings._

Killua wasn’t too sure if he minded that part or not. He could understand why some people wouldn’t have the surgery because most people loved the feeling of being in love. He just couldn’t quite understand why those people would rather die wishing for that person to just love them back. Love was a feeling Killua could probably go without in all honesty; he was raised in a household devoid of it after all.

But he didn’t know how to feel about the fluttering feeling in his chest whenever Gon laughed or the flips his stomach would do when he was about to see him again after a time away from him. He had chalked these feelings up to simply being excited to see his best friend, something he never thought he’d be able to have when he was younger.

Killua coughed again, this time more violently and just stared at the white petals that fell into his palm. There was more blood, more than just a couple of spots. It was a small puddle now and the petals were almost completely stained with it.

_Fuck._

Killua frowned even deeper and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. He decided it would be best not to mope over this; he had a good sum of money, being a Zoldyck and a Hunter, so he could definitely pay to get the surgery done without anyone really knowing about it and then it would be like it never even happened.

Right?


	3. Not Scared of Secrecy

Keeping his condition from Mito and Gon was a lot easier said than done.

Mito kept trying to give him cough medicine and Gon go worried very quickly because Killua kept excusing himself to the bathroom every time he coughed a little bit. Eventually both of them forced him to bed to rest.

Killua sat up, frowning deeply with his arms and legs crossed.

Gon kept poking his head through the door every ten minutes to check on his friend, he eyebrows furrowed in worry.

“Killua?” He finally whispered after what was probably the twentieth time he checked in. “Are you sure it’s fine? Aunt Mito said she saw blood on the floor in the bathroom…”

Killua tensed up. “It’s… nothing… just a bad cough, like I said…” Killua refused to make eye contact with Gon, choosing instead to fix his gaze on his left knee.

“You’re lying…” Gon sighed and entered the room, closing the door behind him. “Please tell me, Killua. I won’t tell Aunt Mito, pinkie swear!” Gon held out his pinkie with that serious look on his face, making Killua chuckle softly and unwittingly link his pinkie with Gon’s.

“Alright…” Killua sighed. “I’m pretty sure I have this thing called Hanahaki Disease.”

“What’s that?” Gon asked, cocking his head to the side.

“It’s basically where if you fall in love with someone but they don’t love you back, flowers start growing in your lungs and you cough them up a lot. If it isn’t treated, it’s fatal.” Killua explained slowly.

“Fatal?!” Gon gasped, leaning forward far enough that Killua had to lean back so that their noses weren’t touching.

“Shh!” Killua hissed, leaning forward himself this time.

“Killua!” Gon cried out again. “You could die! How do we treat it, we gotta do something!”

Killua sighed and leaned back. “It’s complicated. It can be stopped if the other person falls in love with me, or I can just go and have surgery, which is the better and easier option.” Killua knew Gon wouldn’t like the idea of surgery but there was no way Killua wasn’t going to have it.

“Hmm…” Gon frowned. Killua could see the cogs turning inside his head. “So… who is it?” He smirked, leaning forward again.

“W-wha?” Killua blinked, blushing and staring at Gon. “It’s… no one… special…” He blushed more, looking anywhere except Gon’s face.

“But we gotta know so we can make them fall in love with you!” Gon whined.

“Oi! What are you saying?! We can’t just make someone fall in love with me!” Killua folded his arms. “Besides, I’m gonna have the surgery.”

“What?!” Gon exclaimed, causing Killua to shush him again. “But what if you die during the surgery? Killuaaaaa…” Gon flopped back on the bed. “Please let’s try the fall in love thing first. Please! Then if that doesn’t work, you can get the surgery.”

“If it doesn’t work, the disease gets worse and I’ll be too weak to have the surgery, and then I’ll die.” Killua shook his head.

“Please!” Gon sat up, looking at Killua with those puppy dog eyes he always does to get Killua on his side.

Killua sighed not being able to stop himself from smiling softly. “Fine.”

Gon cheered but was interrupted by Aunt Mito coming in and telling them to get to bed because it was late already.

Killua watched Gon leave and laid back on the bed.

_I will get that surgery, whether he likes it or not._


	4. Not Scared of Flowers

When Killua woke up in the middle of the night, he couldn’t breathe. There was something big blocking his airway, and he coughed and spluttered, slamming his fist into his chest several times to try and dislodge whatever it was.

Mito came running of course, and the two of them managed to force Killua to cough up the lump. Mito sighed as she sat down next to him on the bed and wiped the drool and blood from his lips with a tissue.

“What’s wrong, Killua?” She asked softly, looking at Killua with genuine concern.

Mito was so motherly. Killua never really knew what it was like to have a proper family, so when he first saw what it was like for Gon and Mito, he wasn’t sure how to react. At first, he put distance between himself and Mito and treated her like he did Leorio or Kurapika; like just a friend, but not as close as Gon.

After Gon had caught up thoroughly with Ging and Killua had shown Alluka the world, Killua practically moved in with the Freecs’. Both him and Alluka were welcomed by the inhabitants of Whale Island, and Alluka spent her days by Mito’s side; the two grew fond of each other quickly. Eventually, they forgot the name Zoldyck even belonged to them and they became a whole new family. Mito was like their mother; a proper mother, who really loved and cared for them.

Even when they found out about Nanika, they didn’t cower. Mito just smiled and said “Well, now I guess I have two little girls to take care of.” Gon absolutely adored Nanika as well.

Killua would never give any of it up, no matter what he was offered.

So Killua cried on Mito that night, hiccupping through his words about what was happening to him. He slowly explained what he could do and that Gon wanted to try and help him.

“He just… he can’t know it’s him…” Killua rubbed his left eye. “I don’t know what he’d do if he found out I love him…”

“He wouldn’t do much of anything I would think…” Mito pondered. “He’d probably smile and say, ‘don’t worry, I’ll help you get through this’.” She giggled.

Killua choked out a laugh and sat up, wiping his cheeks dry.

“I don’t really want to go more than five days with him trying to figure this out with me. I’m having the surgery.”

Mito slowly nodded. “Do what you feel is best, Killua. If you feel having an operation is your only way out, then I won’t stop you. The hospital here is nice, even if it is quite small.”

Killua only smiled as the room fell silent for a few moments before Mito moved to grab something from beside her. She held it in front of Killua, who could hardly see it in the dim moonlight, but he knew what it was.

A fully formed flower sat in Mito’s hand. “They’re much smaller than the ones you’d grown in a garden.” She whispered, moving her hand up to run it through Killua’s hair. He didn’t know that would be so comforting to him. “Peonies. So beautiful. It’s a shame they’re deadly in this case.” She sighed as Killua leaned his head against her shoulder and reach out to touch one of the petals.

“This is the first flower I’ve coughed up.” He choked out. “Peony, huh? I think my mother had a few of those in the garden before it was taken down and rebuilt as a training ground.”

“Yes, I did read somewhere that Mrs Zoldyck liked gardening until her youngest turned two.” Mito chuckled lightly. “Seems like such a strange pastime for an assassin.”

“The Zoldycks are a strange family.” Killua replied coldly, speaking with almost full resentment towards them.

Another sharp cough brought Killua to sit up straight and Mito had to smack his back to get him to stop choking. Another small peony came falling into Killua’s hands, followed by a trail of saliva mixed with blood. Killua screwed the flower up before violently throwing it to the floor.

“Try to get some sleep…” Mito whispered after a couple of seconds. “Gon will probably start leading you around the island to try and help you in his own way.”

“How will that even work?”

“Who knows? Good night, Killua.” Mito smiled as she stood up and walked towards the door.

“Good night, Mito.” Killua smiled back at her as she left the room and shut the door.

Killua sighed and laid back on the bed. Unbeknownst to him, Gon had heard every single word spoken between him and Mito, hiding when she left the room and coming to tears as he realised he was the one putting Killua in pain.


	5. Not Scared of Confessions

Killua had been out with Gon for the past three days, and his condition wasn’t getting any better. He’d cough up around five flowers in a day now instead of one or two. It was visibly worrying Gon, but Gon refused to stop trying. He didn’t want Killua to know he had heard his conversation with Mito.

“Hey Killua,” Gon spoke up through a mouthful of sandwich.

“Swallow,” Killua reminded him, taking a bite out of his own sandwich. Him and Gon had found a quiet spot to sit in the forest to eat before they continued with their day.

Gon swallowed. “Can’t you at least give me a hint? It’s difficult not knowing anything about them!”

“I told you, they’re young. That’s all you need, right?”

“There’s lots of young people here!” Gon whined, falling backwards and sighing. “Is it a girl or a boy?”

Killua sighed. “They’re… It’s a boy.”

“Ah ha!” Gon sat up suddenly, grinning. “I knew it!”

“How?” Killua furrowed his eyebrows.

“Because you’ve never really shown any interest in any girls we meet, and you’re really not interested in the women here!” Gon pointed out, his grin growing wider if that was even possible. If anything, he was good at hiding secrets.

“I guess.” Killua shrugged, finishing off his lunch. “Look, this isn’t really working anyway. I’m gonna go to the hospital tomorrow and get the surgery.”

“No!” Gon exclaimed.

“Why are you trying to stop me from saving my own damn life?!” Killua replied, causing him to cough sharply. Another white peony and some extra petals fell from his lips, worrying Gon immensely.

“Killua!” He gasped, gently moving to rub Killua’s back. “Sorry… I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I’m already hurting, can’t you see that?” Killua wiped his mouth (for what seemed like the millionth time in the past week) and looked up at Gon. “My lungs are filling up with flowers and I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. Just let me get rid of it all, please, it can all just be left behind, and we can just live our lives as best friends, like we always have.”

Gon looked down at his lap, his mind suddenly bursting with the fact that he knew who Killua loved. He felt guilty for being the one who was breaking his best friend’s heart and he knew, logically, that Killua would have to get the surgery very soon. In all truth, he wanted to spend as much time with Killua as possible because he wanted to try and make himself feel something more for Killua.

“I…” Gon clenched his fists up as he felt his eyes start to brim with tears. “I just wanted… to make something happen… even just a little bit so you would get better…” He sniffed. “I’m sorry, Killua… I didn’t mean to snoop in on what you said to Aunt Mito but I heard everything… I’m sorry that I’m the one… the one hurting you…”

Killua’s eyes widened as he listened to Gon and watched him burst into tears. Gon had known all this time that Killua’s feelings were directed towards him and he didn’t even tell him? He wanted to try and force himself to love Killua just to make him better? Killua smiled as tears started to form in his eyes; as if he couldn’t love him anymore.

“Gon…” Killua whispered, laying a hand on Gon’s shoulder. “Thank you… but please, let’s go now. I need that surgery, you can’t force something like that.”

Gon nodded and wiped his eyes. Suddenly, he leaned forward and Killua almost hit him in shock, but he pulled away just as quickly.

“What was that?” Killua frowned, moving his fingers to brush against his lips.

“The least I could do…” Gon smiled gently. “I’m sorry, Killua. You’re right.” Gon stood up, shoving the wrappings from his and Killua’s sandwiches in his backpack. “Let’s go there now! The sooner the better, right?” He smiled widely, like he always did, making Killua’s heart skip a beat.

“Yeah.” Killua smiled back and stood up. “I’ll race you!” He sped off without any warning, making Gon whine but take off running after him.

Even if Gon would never love Killua back, he wasn’t worried about losing his best friend at least. He was happy just being by Gon’s side.

That was enough.


	6. Not Scared of Surgery

The morning Killua went in to have his surgery, he wasn’t nervous. It wasn’t his first time in a hospital, but Gon and Mito were clearly worried for him.

“I hope everything will go well,” Gon fretted. Killua assured him multiple times that he’d be okay but Gon still worried.

“We’ll be waiting for you, Killua.” Mito told him with a smile. “Good luck in there.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Killua replied.

It didn’t take long for everything to be taken out. When Killua woke up Gon was sleeping in the chair next to his hospital bed and the sun was setting. Seeing Gon like that didn’t stir any kind of feeling inside of Killua.

“Then it worked…” He whispered to himself, sighing and staring up at the ceiling.

Now he understood why people opted out of surgery. It was empty without those tell-tale symptoms of being in love. Looking at the person who caused those feelings and suddenly feeling nothing for them wasn’t quite right. But now it meant that him and Gon could continue with their lives as best friends without anything to get in the way or threaten to ruin that.

“Killua?”

Killua looked over to see Gon sitting upright, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

“Hey,” Killua said softly.

“How are you feeling?” Gon asked, moving his chair closer to the bed.

“Alright,” Killua replied. “I don’t… feel anything anymore…”

“That’s good,” Gon replied, smiling at Killua. “Everything’s okay now.”

Killua only nodded. He moved his fingers up to touch his bottom lip, remembering the quick kiss Gon had given him before they went to arrange the surgery. He remembered how everything froze in that short second, how his stomach exploded with a million butterflies and how his heart felt like it had completely stopped. He remembered how hot his face felt when Gon pulled away and how his lips tingled afterwards. If Gon were to kiss him again, would Killua feel none of that? Would it just be completely empty and void of anything? It didn’t sit right in Killua’s mind.

“Maybe I should have died…” Killua whispered.

“Huh?” Gon cocked his head to the side.

“I should have let it kill me..” Killua continued, scrunching up the blanket in his fists.

“What?!” Gon shouted. “What are you talking about?! You can’t die, you-”

“Feel nothing.” Killua cut him off. “I feel nothing and it’s terrible. I feel nothing and I hate it, I should have died with my feelings. I should have kept loving you until I choked on those damned peonies.”

“Stop saying that!” Gon cried out, grabbing Killua’s hand. “Don’t be so selfish! What would I do if you died? You’re my best friend, Killua! I never had a friend before you, I don’t want to lose you! You can’t die! You can’t!”

Killua stared at Gon and then at their hands. Nothing. He sighed.

“I guess.” He shrugged and pulled his hand away. “It just doesn’t feel right. Maybe I’ll get used to it though.”

“You will! Everything will be okay now, Killua.” Gon nodded and smiled. “Get better soon so we can go on more adventures!”

Killua smiled back and nodded. “Of course.”

Maybe Gon was right. Maybe everything would be okay, and it would just go back to normal, back to before those flowers began to bloom.

Maybe.


	7. Not Scared of Love

Killua had decided that love was terrible, and he never wanted to feel it again because the emptiness after it leaves is the most depressing thing he had probably ever felt.

Or he was being overdramatic.

Either way, when he was discharged from the hospital, he found it difficult to spend as much time with Gon as before. Alluka tried her best to get him to eat a little more than he was, and she saw a little more of him than anyone else, but even then, it took around a month and a half before Killua started to return to normal.

Gon had found him sitting on the roof at 1am when he went into his room and found it empty.

“Hey,” He said, taking a seat next to him.

“Hey,” Killua replied. “You were right, I think. Not being in love isn’t all that bad I guess.”

“Told you.” Gon stuck his tongue out, causing Killua to playfully nudge him. “So, are you feeling any better?”

“I think so,” Killua looked down at his lap. “Sorry I’ve been so distant. I just found it a little hard to feel empty when I saw you after feeling so much before.”

“I understand.” Gon nodded. “We’ve all be waiting for you to come back so it’s okay that you’re going slowly. Nanika wants to grant you a wish without any repercussions.”

“She does that anyway.” Killua laughed. “But thanks. Maybe one day I’ll get to love someone else who feels the same.”

“I hope so, but I don’t think you’ll find someone who’s as cool as me.” Gon smirked.

“Yeah right, I’ll find someone cooler.” Killua shot back, laughing.

The two of them sat on the roof until the sun rose, laughing together like they always did. Killua knew everything would heal in time, and the past week would become a distant memory soon enough. He knew he would always hold Gon dearly in his heart, even if it wouldn’t be in a romantic way.

Sometime soon he’d find someone he’d be able to love.

And he wasn’t afraid of that time at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it literally took me like an hour and a half to write this entire thing im sorry


End file.
